Opinions Needed (And a Fic Preview too, I guess)

Hello, f'listers! I'm working on a rather long Sherlock fic and I could use some opinions for one aspect of it. Excerpt and explanation below the cut, for length and to save anyone who might want to wait until the full fic is being posted (which, hopefully, will happen within, you know, the next few decades or so). I'm a bit stuck on the next part, so I'm trying to clean up what I have a little while I muddle out where to go next.

( Outline, Question and Excerpt )